The Pursuit of Happyness
by Bluesky83
Summary: Sometimes there is a conflict between our head and our heart and before this conflict can be resolved, something happens that makes us wish, we would have listened to our heart before to save valuable time. This story takes place in the middle of season 4. Castle and Becket are not in a relationship yet.
1. Chapter 1

All rights for the characters and the show belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC.

**Summary:**

Sometimes there is a conflict between our head and our heart and before this conflict can be resolved, something happens that makes us wish, we would have listened to our heart before to save valuable time.

This story takes place in the middle of season 4. Castle and Becket are not in a relationship yet.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to Angela, who helps me editing this story and dealing with some language difficulties (English is not my first language).

I'm looking forward to your reviews! Please let me know what you think!

**The Pursuit of Happyness **

**Chapter 1**

_Why does everything have to be so complicated?, _Kate Beckett thought.

She sat at her desk at the 12th precinct with her head on her hands while she was day-dreaming. As so often during the last couple of weeks her thoughts were revolving around one man and the more she tried to fight against the increasing feelings and the recurring dreams the more intense they got.

But Kate knew that it was senseless to go there. The danger of getting hurt again was too big.

Either the relationship could go wrong or something bad could happen to him like with her mother.

In the first case she would risk losing her best friend and partner and she wasn't sure that she could bare it. She never got far in her past relationships, they had mostly been short flirtations, sometimes just dates. The 6-month long relationship with Will Sorenson had been her longest so far. That was the reason she doubted that she was even able to keep a long-termed relationship. And if she decided to embark on it, that would be what she wanted – the whole package, forever.

And what about him? - He was Rick Castle, also known as a ladies-man with two failed marriages. Would he be able to commit to a relationship with her forever?

She didn't even want to think about the possibility of the second scenario. She wouldn't be able to cope with losing another loved one. The pain she had lived with since her mother's cruel and sudden death was still too deep and present. She had been having nightmares the past couple of nights from which she had woken up sweating and crying. But the dreams had not been about her mother anymore – now it was Rick whom she saw dying, before her eyes. And there was nothing she could do.

The thought of this nightmares alone sent cold chills down her spine. She must have trembled slightly because suddenly she was startled by Castle's voice as the scent of fresh coffee reached her nose.

"Hey, good morning. Are you cold?" - Castle winked at her but she could tell by the look in his blue eyes that he was truly concerned.

Kate shook her head and reached for the coffee thankfully. She wasn't sure if her voice would sound stable enough after those emotional thoughts to convince him that she was ok.

During the last years he had managed to read her like a book and sometimes she got the feeling that he knew her better than she knew herself. That terrified her and was yet another reason as to why she was scared to pursue having a relationship with him.

She drank the coffee in small sips and the warmth made her feel a little better. When she looked over to the chair that had stood beside her desk since Castle had tricked the 12th into allowing him to shadow her, she saw worried but tender blue eyes looking back at her. Kate's heart skipped a beat, only to continue beating with twice the rhythm than before. If a single look could cause such a reaction, what would it be like if they kissed?

She could answer this question herself. They had already kissed once. Undercover, as a diversion. Only for the job but it didn't mean anything. At least that was what Kate was trying to convince herself of. But the thought of the kiss alone made her feel like she had a thousand butterflies in her stomach. She knew that it had been more than just a fake kiss for him since he had confessed his love for her after she'd been shot. But she had been too afraid to admit that she had heard him say it. And now she had been living with this lie for almost 9 months.

Kate had tried to make him say it once more. She had given him a couple of opportunities to do so, but he had always backed off or changed the topic. Was it possible that he didn't love her anymore? Had she destroyed his love for her because she couldn't tell him how she felt?

Suddenly she felt a warm hand on her shoulder and she jumped because of the sudden contact.

"Beckett, are you really okay?", Castle asked anxiously.

She swallowed and replied: "I'm fine, Castle. I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"Oh, why is that? New boyfriend?", Castle tried to sound unaffected but he didn't hide it very well.

Beckett decided to take this occasion to try again to make him talk about his feelings. They were at the precinct but it was still early and there was hardly anybody there.

"And if this was the case, Castle?"

"Is that a yes?", Rick tried to remain calm but the thought of seeing Beckett with another man again drove him crazy and his voice sounded much higher than he had intended.

"Would you be jealous?", Kate smiled as she winked at him. She was suddenly unsure that she might be going too far.

"What? No, what makes you think that?", he countered and could have kicked himself for saying that in the next moment.

Beckett looked at him shocked and could hardly hide her disappointment.

When she realized that his reaction got to her more than she was willing to admit, she stood up and quickly made her way to the restroom. So, she hadn't been wrong. His feelings for her were gone. Over.

She leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. She wiped away a few tears that she hadn't been able to stop from falling. But more tears came and she let herself slide down the wall onto the floor and she sobbed, covering her face with her hands.

Castle was surprised by Kate's sudden departure, but when he had thought about what she had asked, he realized he had made a grave mistake. He wanted to follow her but then he decided to wait and give her some space to collect herself. He had never seen her so emotional. The sadness in her eyes, that he was the reason for, left him angry with himself. How could he say something so stupid? Of course he would be jealous! All he wanted to do was to hold Kate in his arms and kiss her again like he had the night they rescued Ryan and Esposito. Why wasn't he able to be honest with her instead of giving such a stupid answer?

20 minutes later Kate returned to her desk and sat down without a word. She gave Castle a short glance but quickly looked away and gave her full attention to the mound of paperwork on her desk. Before Rick could say anything, her phone rang. There had been a murder.

A new case.

Castle decided to invite Beckett over to his loft after they finished for the day, to have some long overdue talk. What he didn't know was that this day would change everything.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry that I made you wait so long for a new chapter.

Work started again this week and I was really busy.

Thanks again to Angela, who helped me with this chapter! You're awesome!

Thanks for all the kind reviews. I really appreciate all of them and I would love to read how you like this new chapter.

**Chapter 2**

On the way to the crime scene they didn't talk to each other. Once in a while Castle glanced over to Beckett but she was obviously focused on her driving and he could tell that her thoughts were elsewhere. When she almost missed a red light and came to a squealing stop, Castle looked at her strangely. Beckett's driving was usually impeccable. He had wanted to use the time during the drive to the crime scene to talk to her about what happened back at the precinct. However, when he chanced a look at her and saw something in her eyes that looked strangely like grief, he reconsidered and remained silent.

When they arrived at the crime scene, Lanie was already there waiting for them. The M.E. greeted them with a smile which quickly disappeared when she saw Beckett's face.

"Hey, is everything okay?", she asked anxiously.

Beckett just nodded and quickly changed the topic. "What do we have here?", she asked in a breathy voice and hoped that nobody would notice that she had been crying.

She wasn't sure what had gotten into her. She rarely lost her composure, at least not in the precinct or in the presence of Castle. It scared her, how strong her feelings for him had become and she decided she needed to keep him at distance from now on. Self preservation was the main goal at this point.

The problem was that they worked together. She would have to persuade Captain Gates that she didn't want to have Castle around anymore. That alone wouldn't be a problem since Gates had never hidden the fact that she didn't like him very much. It would be much more difficult to persuade the Mayor. But that was something she would deal with when the time came. Now Kate did what she does best. She turned her entire focus onto the case even though a throbbing pain had started to build behind her temples. To top it off, she had trouble keeping her thoughts from drifting to Castle.

"Our victim is male, in his mid 30's and the murder weapon looks like it was this baseball bat. Forensics found it in this alley over there. There are no prints; the killer must have worn gloves. The victim is a John Doe. No wallet or id have been found at the scene.", summarized Lanie.

"How long has he been dead?", Kate wanted to know.

"Time of death was around midnight, but I'll know more once I get him back to the lab," the M.E. answered.

After she inspected the crime scene and had the body transported to the morgue, Kate decided to return to the precinct. She hoped that Lanie could find out the victim's identity with the help of his dental records because there seemed to be neither witnesses nor other clues pointing to a suspect.

Beckett sat down behind the wheel of her car and massaged her strongly throbbing temples with both hands. She startled when she realized that Castle was already sitting in the passenger seat watching her. Again he seemed to look tenderly at her, but as she came to realize now, it was only her imagination. He didn't love her anymore and she had to live with that.

"What?", she snapped, more than she had intended.

"Kate, we really have to talk", Castle replied softly as he laid a hand on to her shoulder. He gently smoothed away some hair that had fallen into her face.

Beckett shook her head leaning away from his hand and said in a steady voice, "There is nothing to talk about, Castle. Everything has been said. I'm going to take you home now. It will be a while until Lanie finds out about the victim's identity anyway."

Castle was surprised and hurt by her reaction, but he could understand her. He knew Kate Beckett well enough to know that she would hide even farther behind her walls if he persisted. He had to give her some time until he could try again to tear down those walls – brick by brick. During their talk at the swings she had sincerely told him that she wanted a relationship but simply wasn't ready. And ever since that day he had held on to this flicker of hope. She had feelings for him too; there was a future for them together. Only the right time hadn't come yet. He had to believe in them, or he wouldn't be able to work with her every day knowing she would never love him.

Everything in him wanted to stop wasting time and tell her how he felt. Again. He had told her how he felt the day she was shot. But she either didn't remember or chose not to remember. He desperately wanted to take her into his arms and tell her he was sorry for what he said earlier in the precinct. But he knew it would be too much for her. He knew that she would close herself off to him and not let him finish what he had to say. Even touching her shoulder seemed to make her uncomfortable and so he backed off.

"Okay, I can finish another chapter then", he answered and leaned back into the passenger seat. He stared out the window so she wouldn't see the hurt and frustration in his eyes.

He had already assumed that the drive back would be wordless too, when suddenly Beckett spoke,

"I want you to quit your job as a consultant with the NYPD."

Castle 's head snapped to look at her to see if she was serious. His mind raced and he was taken aback for a moment, actually speechless. Him speechless! If he wasn't so upset, he might have found it funny. Of course he knew he had hurt her earlier, but then he had been so sure that she had feelings for him when she had reacted the way she had. But her tone was so calm and unemotional, that he wasn't so sure about that anymore. Maybe he had misinterpreted her reaction. Could it be that it hadn't been about him but about her new boyfriend? He had hoped against hope that she had been taunting him, teasing him, about having a new boyfriend. Now he was wondering if she hadn't been telling him the truth. But then, why was she so upset by his comments? Why did she basically run out of the bullpen and return much later looking as if she had been crying?

"Kate, look, if this is what you want, I won't bother you anymore", he said quietly with a slight hitch in his voice. He tried to clear his throat and say something more, but then he just looked down at his hands in his lap and remained silent.

Beckett was surprised how easily she could get rid of him. But when she thought about it further, she realized that he truly had no feelings towards her and maybe he had only stayed because the police work had been fun, but definitely not because of her. Kate choked back a sob when it hit her that it was so easy for him to leave because he didn't love her any more. He obviously had moved on and had no lingering feelings for her. Kate had to blink a couple of times because she realized that more tears were threatening to fall.

It was almost as if her nightmares were coming true. She was losing him and she didn't know what to do about it. What if she had already lost him? She couldn't even fathom Castle not being part of her life.

A car horn pulled Castle back to reality and he realized that they were already on his street.

"You can let me out now, I'll walk from here", he said, because he couldn't stand the awkward atmosphere in the car anymore. He had a tightness in his chest that he couldn't stand any longer. He had to sort out his thoughts to realize what had just happened and to think about how he would deal with it.

Kate reluctantly pulled over and Castle jumped out of the car before it was completely stopped. He leaned back in, looked into her eyes deeply and for a moment she was afraid he would kiss her but he just reached for a piece of paper that he had left in the tray between the seats. She was startled to see the depth of hurt and confusion that was swimming in his amazing blue eyes.

"If you ever need my professional advice, call me," he tried to joke. But his attempt at a smile fell short and without waiting for an answer, he shut the door and took a deep breath.

As Kate watched him through the windshield, he walked farther and farther away from the car. She wasn't so sure anymore that she had made the right decision. She couldn't imagine working without Castle. He had wormed his way into her heart and soul. She thought back to the three months he had been at the Hamptons with his ex-wife Gina and how upset she had been waiting for him to call that fall when she knew he was back in NY. Since her mother's death she hadn't missed anyone so badly. The thought of no more crazy theories, silly jokes, and building theory together, made her cry out in the silence of the car. The dash board blurred before her as she contemplated what she had just lost. She needed to pull herself together. There was a murderer out there that she needed to catch. So she took a deep breath and thought about what lead to her decision.

On one hand, her feelings for him clearly weren't mutual and spending any more time with him would destroy her. On the other hand, wasn't this what she had wanted for them, just to be friends and partners? These thoughts circled in her head like a tornado, and her headache almost became unbearable.

Tires squealed as Kate took off to get back to the 12th. She couldn't stop thinking about Castle and what had happened between them the past few hours. Tears clouded her vision and she didn't see the pick-up that ran the red light. An awful crunching, crushing sound suddenly dragged her from her thoughts and she had the sensation of her car rolling over. For a split second she was confused, and terrified. The searing pain was too much and she screamed Castle's name. Then everything went black...


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much, guys, for all the nice reviews!

You will be my North Stars - always! ;)

And my special thanks goes to Angela again. Without her, this story wouldn't be here.

I hope you like this chapter and I would love to read your reviews!

Looks like I will be able to update weekly plus I'm working on a Castle Christmas fanfiction right now!

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Castle saw Beckett driving past him. He couldn't escape the feeling that something between them had been irretrievably destroyed. All he wanted to do was to stop her car to try to talk to her about it. About them. There had to be a them. He realized that he had never had such strong feelings for a woman before and he was determined to do everything he could not to lose her.

Rick couldn't imagine his life without Kate anymore.

A loud bang whipped Castle out of his thoughts. His eyes snapped towards the sound. At the next crossing he saw Kate's car spinning out of control after beeing hit by a white pick-up. It felt like being in a movie. A horrible movie in this case. Part of him tried to believe that it wasn't real.

For a moment he was paralized and stared at the completely demolished car. He felt, with a sickening feeling, that no one could have survived such a crash.

Slowly he recollected his wits and started running. Rick ran as fast as he could to Beckett's car and shouted her name again and again. Horrified, he thought back to the day where he had almost lost her when she had been shot. The thought of re-experiencing this once again, took his breath away and his eyes filled with tears.

When Castle reached the car, it was laying on its roof. Everything was eerily silent. He saw that the window of the driver's side had been completely destroyed. He took off his suit coat and wrapped it around his hand and arm and reached into the window to remove the splinters carefully.

"Kate, can you hear me?", Rick's voice cracked. He cleared his throat and tried again.

„Beckett! Can you hear me! Oh God, please be ok!" He pleaded over and over again.

He was panicking and realized that his voice was failing.

He heard a soft moan and vaguely heard the sound of voices behind him.

"An ambulance is on the way!"

"Is there a doctor around?"

"Oh man, that looks bad!"

Castle ignored the voices and concentrated on Kate. She seemed to be concious but her face was covered in blood and her right leg seemed to be jammed. Rick knew that he wouldn't be able to get her out of there by himself without causing any further injuries. All he could do for now was to stay with her and soothe her.

Carefully he took Kate's hand and brushed his thumb in small circles over its back like he had done a few weeks ago. He closed his eyes briefly and remembered touching her hand like this when he had wanted to show her how Royal the dog liked to be petted.

"Cas...Castle?", her voice was weak and so low that he almost missed it.

"Yes, Kate, I'm right here. The ambulance is coming soon. Please stay!", Rick answered almost pleading. He felt helpless and guilty. If they hadn't fought, this wouldn't have happened. This was all his fault.

"I...I'm so sorry", Beckett whispered as he gently stroked her hair away from her face.

Castle wasn't sure why she apologized to him because after all it had been him who had been acting like an idiot. But he knew that she had to remain calm and so he carefully brushed another bloody strand of hair from her forehead and said: "Shh, everything is going to be alright. Don't worry."

Rick had never hoped for his words to be more true. His medical knowledge was confined to some research he had done for his books but he knew that it wasn't a good sign that Kate was so pale and that she seemed to be really weak. At least she had recognized him which relieved him some what. That was a hopeful sign, wasn't it?

Before he could guess about Kate's medical condition any further, he heard the sirens of the ambulance and fire trucks approaching. Rick carefully kissed Kate's hand which he was still holding and whispered: "I love you so much." It was only then that Rick realized he was crying.

He scrubbed at his face with his hand that was covered in blood. Kate's blood. He wearily stood up to make space for the paramedics and firefighters.

Castle had never felt so alone and scared. She couldn't leave him, she just couldn't . There was so much he wanted to tell her.

What was taking so long! Why wasn't she out of the car and on her way to the hospital? What if there was internal bleeding? Every second could count.

Castle felt light headed and sat down on the curb.

He noticed the driver of the pick-up standing beside his car. The hood had been pushed in and thick black smoke was rising into the air. He was being interviewed by a police officer. He seemed to be fine and Castle tried to suppress the feeling of rage.

He watched from a distance as the police administered a breathalyzer.

What? Had he been drinking? Why did people still stupidly drink and drive?

Rick couldn't believe what he was seeing. To add to his agitation, he overheard the officer indicate the guy was being charged with impaired driving. Only the presence of the police kept Rick from tackling him and punching him until his anger had been sated.

Castle turned to face Kate's car again and saw with relief that the rescue workers had been able to free her leg. Carefully they pulled her through the window and layed her down onto a stretcher.

Rick approached one of the paramedics and asked him: "How is she? Is she going to be ok. Please tell me she's going to be ok?" He tried to keep the pleading out of his tone.

The paramedic looked at him warily and asked, "Are you family?"

Castle's first reaction was to shake his head but then he replied without even thinking about it,

"I'm her boyfriend."

The doctor nodded, looked at Rick symphathetically and said in a rush:

"Her pulse is weak and thready. She shows signs of pain at the touch of her left costal arch. There could be some internal bleeding. But we will be able to tell for sure after we get her to the hospital. Hop in the back..."

He was cut off when the machine they had hooked up to Kate started beeping. „Let's move!" he yelled to his partner.

Castle swallowed and looked at Kate who was still partly concious but didn't seem to entirely realize what was going on around her. In her eyes, he saw pain and confusion mixed with something he couldn't identify. He ran beside the stretcher so that she could see him and gently took her hand in his again.

"I'll stay with you, Kate. Always.", he told her in a whisper and he thought he saw a slight smile on her face.

After Beckett had been put into the ambulance, Rick sat down beside her where she was able to see him. He was holding her hand tightly to show her that she was not alone. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath when Kate suddenly grabbed his hand and convulsed with pain.

Castle's eyes widened in shock and panic raised within him.

"Kate, what's wrong? What's wrong with her?", he cried. In her eyes he could see nothing but pain and fear. His eyes filled with unshed tears and he watched helplessly as she lost consciousness.

_To be continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

I'm very sorry that the update took me so long. I have been very busy in the last couple of weeks. But here it is. I hope you like it. Please let me know.

**Chapter 4**

The paramedic pushed Castle aside and looked concerned at the electrocardiogram they had attached Beckett to.

"Her blood pressure is dropping and her pulse is getting weaker. She also seems to be in a lot of pain. I will give her something to stabilize her temporarily", he said turning to Castle.

Rick thought back to the panicked look Kate had given him before she lost consciousness. He devoutly hoped that this hadn't been the last time that he would look into those beautiful eyes. This simply wasn't supposed to happen.

"What are her chances?", he asked the paramedic in a shaky voice, even though he wasn't completely sure that he really wanted to hear the answer.

"At this point, it's hard to say, but I'm afraid there's some internal bleeding, and if I'm right, they're going to have to operate immediately to increase her chance of survival", he replied giving Castle an empathetic look.

Rick swallowed and desperately tried to hold back the tears. He wasn't a religious man but at this moment he sent a prayer to heaven that everything would come out alright. That he wouldn't loose her. He had already almost lost her once before.

At last the medication the Doctor gave her seemed to help, and Kate's pulse and blood pressure stabilized a little. But she was still unconscious. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever in Castle's mind.

Twenty minutes later they arrived at Memorial hospital in the heart of Manhattan. Once they got to the hospital, the paramedics moved quickly to get Kate into the ER where Doctors there could determine her injuries more effectively. Castle was told to wait in the hall. Again horrible memories of the day she had been shot surged within him. And now he was standing here again, fearing for her life. And this time, he was alone.

A young nurse with long, blonde hair tied back in a pony tail, came out of the emergency room towards him.

"Mr. Castle? My name is Sydney Powell. Are you Ms. Beckett's partner in life?"

At these words a slight smile crossed Castle's face but it disappeared quickly when he realized that this may never happen. He wasn't in the state to explain his complicated relationship with Kate to a stranger and so he simply nodded.

"Is there anybody who has to be informed? Parents, siblings, children?", she asked and looked at him encouragingly.

"Oh...uhm", stammered Castle. After the whole excitement he had totally forgotten to call Jim Beckett, his mother and Alexis as well as the precinct.

"I'll do it, thanks", he added decisively. It wasn't easy for him to deliver bad news. That was something he had always admired about Kate. How determined, strong and full of compassion she was when she talked to the victim's families. He quickly pushed this thought away. Beckett wasn't dead; he needed to stay positive and do what had to be done.

Sydney gave him a short nod and disappeared into the ER again.

Castle took out his smartphone and was about to dial Jim Beckett's number when a friendly but firm voice said,

"This is a hospital, sir. Mobile phones are not allowed in here. I'll have to ask you to make your phone calls outside". The man belonging to the voice looked to be a doctor around his age.

Castle nodded at the man and mentally cursed himself for his own foolishness. He quickly went to the back entrance of the ER to make the call in a small park behind the hospital. He sat down onto one of the benches but then he got up again because he was unable to sit still.

Rick got a hold of Kate's father on the first try.

"Beckett?"

"Mr. Beckett, this is Richard Castle."

"Mr. Castle? Did something happen to Katie?"

Rick was surprised time after time how a parent could tell if something was wrong with their child. He had experienced such things with Alexis several times and almost every time his feeling had been right. His knowledge as a father made it that much harder for him to tell Jim what had happened. He knew too well what this man had been through and how it had affected him when Kate had been shot.

"Yes, Mr. Beckett. She was involved in a terrible car crash. She is currently being examined by the Doctors. I...I saw it happen, but there was nothing I could do...I'm so sorry", Castle's voice hitched as he fought the tears that he had tried to hold back which were now running down his face.

"Not again", he heard Kate's father whisper on the other end. Then Jim added in a steady voice: "Unfortunately I'm not in New York but I'll try to get there as fast as I can. Please stay with her, Rick. You really mean a lot to her and if I got her hints during our latest phone calls right, she is really willing to take the next step. I really hope, that she finds strength in her feelings for you that will help her to hold on and fight for her life!"

Castle couldn't believe his ears. As far as he knew, Kate hadn't wanted to work with him anymore because she didn't care about him and she didn't reciprocate his feelings. There was also the small detail that she seemed to have a new boyfriend. Or had he been wrong about all of this?

"It seems that she had already taken the next step with another man", he responded and tried to keep his voice under control.

"What are you talking about, Rick? You are the only man Katie is talking about steadily. I really doubt that there is another man in her life and I don't think she would want that. Katie has never talked about a man the way she does about you, Mr. Castle. Your books had helped her after Johanna's death but by now she is more than just a fan of yours. The way she looks at you is very familiar, Rick. Johanna had always looked at me the same way."

Castle had to swallow again. He couldn't believe what Jim Beckett had just revealed to him. He had thought that he knew Kate quite well by now, that he was able to read her. But the fact that she had been a fan of his books since her mother died and that they had helped her cope with her death? He had never considered this possible. Rick mind strayed to wondering if Kate had ever been to one of his book signings. Was it possible that their paths had already crossed years ago?

And those looks, Jim Beckett had been talking about. Did they really mean that she was in love with him? Or at the very least, cared about him? Reciprocated his feelings? At the thought of this, his heart started to beat faster and the voice on the other end of the phone ripped him out of his dreams.

"I have to book a flight to come back to NY quickly. Please keep me posted, Rick. And please stay with her!"

Rick swallowed and cleared his throat. "I will, Mr. Beckett", he rasped and hung up.

There obviously were countless things he didn't know about Kate Beckett. She really was a mystery he was never gonna solve completely.

Before he could think about the conversation any further, Sydney Powell, the blonde nurse, came towards him.

"Mr. Castle, would you please come with me? It's about your girlfriend", she said with such a grave expression on her face that Rick's stomach turned.

_To be continued..._


End file.
